


Little Girl Lost

by Loverustal



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2019-08-29 06:00:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16738450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loverustal/pseuds/Loverustal
Summary: Sam Carter has always had problems with personal relationships. Being a young girl growing up without her mother and grieving father, may have had a lot to do with it. This is a Sam who is very insecure about personal romantic relationships. We find out some experiences scar you. Will she learn to grow into the woman she was meant to be? Will she let go and let Jack love her? Will someone from her past come back?





	1. Better off buried?

**Author's Note:**

> This deals with some experiences Sam has had. Some from when she was as young as 15. She will go through a lot to hopefully come through a new and stronger person on the other side. Please that notice of the rating. Sorry it's so long! Will be a lot longer!

It had been three months since Sam had started her new life. It was peaceful in Nevada. She had a nice little apartment not too far from Area 51. Cassie was doing well in school and adjusting as best as she could. Sam thought this was next logical step in her life. She still ached with the loss of her father. Even though she cherished the extra years she had gotten with him, his loss hurt. It had kepted her from making the biggest mistake of her life. Ending the engagement to Pete had been a big step. She felt good about it. Even though she loved Pete at first or thought she did, he in the end was suffocating her. She didn't want to hurt him anymore than she already had. Pete had taken it better than she thought he would. She thought after he had picked out and bought the house without her. He would flip out when she told him she wanted to end the engagement. She had been a little scared to tell him, he had a temper. She had found that out during the course of their relationship.

He was jealous of her guys. He didn't understand what all they had been through together. They were her family. She had hidden the bruises from them. Had made up excuses as to why she had them. Why she had hid them? She really couldn't say. Maybe she was embarrassed, and thought the guys would lose respect for her? Pete had always been sorry after. Had given her excuses as to why he had acted that way. Now that it was over, she couldn't believe she'd put up with it. What was it about Pete that kept her from fighting back? Lord knows she was capable of kicking his ass. There had to be something in her that made her yield to the lunatic fringe. She played the victim with both Pete and Jonas. She guessed she just wasn't capable of having a healthy relationship. No matter what her Dad had said.

She just couldn't take the risk of losing Jack. Even though she loved him with everything she had in her. She had almost lost him because of Pete. She knew she had hurt him with Pete. Jack had distanced himself from her, to protect himself. He thought she was this strong kickass woman. He was so wrong. That's why she could never be with him, he couldn't know about this weakness she had. That she really wasn't the person he thought she was.

That she was actually weak and let men use and mistreat her. If the General knew the real Sam, he couldn't possibly love or even respect her. He would be disgusted with her. How she could be this strong person in every aspect of her life, except her private one? Sam felt like such a failure. She had worked so hard, but she would never have everything she really wanted. She would never get to make love to Jack. If she did she would only disappoint him. Every man she had ever been with had told her so. She was a terrible in bed. They had made her think that. The truth was she was scared of sex, it hurt! She was always nervous about it. Sam could never relax, when she had to have it. She made excuses and tried to avoid it. She had never had a good sexual experience. Never had an orgasm. Wouldn't know one if it smacked her in the face! She had never had a gentle lover. Every man she had been with had always took what he wanted. That's all she thought sex was. It had never been about her.  
She never understood why Janet had raved about it. It embarrassed her when Janet talked about it. She had always changed the subject. Now Janet was gone, and she didn't have anyone to talk to about it. She thought of sex as dirty and painful. She hadn't had her mother to talk to about sex, lord knows, she would have never talked to her dad about it. Just thinking about it made her blush. Why was all of her relationships destined to fail? Why did every man she thought she loved end up hurting her?

She just couldn't stand the thought of that happening with the Jack. Of Jack saying she was a lousy lay. Of him wanting to own her and control her. That was how relationships were like, right? At least they were the only type she was capable of having. She couldn't stand the thought of Jack thinking of her that way. He would find out her secret and could never love the real Sam. Every man she had ever been with had told her that her looks and body was wasted on her. What was she thinking when she went to the then Colonel’s to profess her love for him. That would have been a disaster. He's such a kind and caring man. Thank God he had someone like Kerry. She was beautiful and sexy, something Sam could never be.  
Was it because her mother died when she was so young? That Sam was destined to never really know love? Had she missed some lesson that mothers told their daughters? Her parents’ relationship from what she remembered, was never like any of her relationships. They seemed so in love. It was such a safe and loving environment to grow up in. She had never felt that in any of her relationships, except work relationships. Why was it so hard for her? Did she take good sometimes great guys and turn them into these monsters? Surly all of these relationship failures where her fault. Maybe she didn't attract the lunatic fringe, she turned them into that.

After her mother had died. Her father had been so distant with her and Mark. Sam guessed she ran her brother off too. Oh he blamed their dad, but really it had to be her. She was seeing a pattern. Her dad buried himself in his work. After Mark left, she was alone most of the time. Her dad had rules she had to abide by. As long as her grades were good, and let's face it, they were always were. She didn't even have to try to have straight A`s. School and problem solving always came easy to Sam. It was the personal interactions she had problems with. Not to say she hadn't tried dating in high school. She had been so starved for affection, that Sam had let James take her virginity. She was only fifteen at time. She had quickly gotten over her head. He was twenty five.

Sam had been taking college classes at the local community college. She was bored with the high school classes and needed a challenge. Her dad was more than happy to let her go. He thought this was the perfect place for Sam. He thought this was a safe environment for her, and it would have if she only had someone watching out for her. She met James at the tutoring connection. She had volunteered to tutor math. It would look good on her admission forms to the Academy. He was the first of her lunatic fringe. He was where it all started. He was good looking and he knew it. For a shy and sheltered girl of fifteen, he was just what she thought she wanted. He was good at manipulating any situation for his benefit. He planned on using her however he wanted. He could see the potential she had and was jealous of all she could be. He hated how everything came easy for her. He knew her weakness was where he excelled. He planned it all out. After tutoring one night he asked her out on a date for the next Friday night. He knew by the shy smile she gave him that, he had his prey right where he wanted her. He said he would take her to a club all the college kids went to. He said he knew a few people who worked there. He could get her in, no problem even at her age. Luckily For Sam her dad was out of town for the weekend. That was a normal occurrence in the Carter household. It wasn't unusual for Jacob to be gone for long stretches of time. The Air Force isn't typically a nine to five job. Sam had always been responsible. He had no reason to worry or not trust her.

James got Sam into the club quite easily. He bought her a couple of drinks, but she had been quietly drinking since her mother had died. So she wasn't getting drunk like he had hoped. Since the night was getting late James put plan B in motion. He put something in her drink, that made her feel odd. Before she knew it he had her in some strange and dark room. The music from the club was muffled. The scariest part was that her clothes were off. She would see around her and could feel, but her limbs felt like they were made of lead. She couldn't move them, she couldn't talk either. Her tongue felt like cotton. She tried to tell James to stop. Before she knew it, he was on top of her. He forced himself inside of her. It hurt so badly and he wasn't an extremely big guy. Sam had never had anything down there. Her mother had told her good girls didn't touch themselves like that. How was she to know she was naive young girl, with no female influences. What made it worse, he had not prepared her. He knew she was a virgin. He delighted in the fact that he was hurting her. Sam tried to scream, but she could hardly get a sound out. She couldn't understand how a person could treat another person this way. She thought James was her friend. He pounded into her with all he had. It thrilled him to see the pain and anguish on her face. Tears were running down her face. He said, ”OH baby you feel so good. I knew this was all you were good for from the moment I saw you. I'm going to fuck so hard and whenever I want. You're mine bitch.“ Then he pushed into her as hard as he could, grimaced and came inside her. The drug James gave her was wearing off, her limbs were feeling that pins and needles feeling. Sam hurt everything. She sat up and saw the blood between her legs. Bile rose in her throat, and she couldn't find anywhere to throw up. She ended up throwing up on the small cot she was on. James grabbed Sam and threw her to the floor. He yelled “You stupid bitch! Clean this up!” Sam cleaned it as best she could. She could hardly walk. All she wanted was to go home.

Sam didn't remember how she got home. She thought herself lucky her dad was gone for a few days. As she slowly rose from her bed, she noticed her bloody clothes and sheets. She could hardly walk, she felt so bad. In the bathroom, she cried out as she tried to pee. She ran a warm bath and put Epsom salts in it to soak in. As she lay there she wondered what was she going to do? Her dad would never forgive her for being so stupid. James knew where she lived. She never wanted that to happen again. If it did she didn't know if she could live with it. She would rather die than go through that again. What had she done to make him want to hurt her so badly?

She thought if only her dad could get transferred. Maybe she could ask him if he could put in for a transfer. That wouldn't work, he’d want to know what was wrong. She just couldn't tell him this was her darkest secret. This was all her fault. She must have done something to make him think she wanted it. She didn't want her dad to know he had a whore for a daughter. He would be so disappointed. Maybe she could get him to send her to a boarding school. He would not have to fool with her at all there. By the time Jacob was home on Tuesday morning, Sam was able to mask the pain. She was still walking funny. When her dad questioned it, she just said “cramps.” He never wanted to talk about that. Jacob told her he was going to be transferred across the country. He was worried how she would take it. Sam never really gave him trouble about moving, always the good little soldier. Jacob however thought she was doing so well here in New Jersey, but she actually seemed relieved to him. He found that odd and wondered if something had happened while he was away. He asked her if she was sure she was okay, but Sam just smiled and said she was fine.

  
Sam sat in her tiny apartment in Nevada. She didn't know what had made those terrible memories reappear. She thought she had buried that long ago. She did know that James Roberts was the one person she never wanted to see ever again. 


	2. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How James has been spending his time. Not really liking James, but he's part of the story.

James headed over to the tutoring connection, he had given Sam a few days to heal up from her injuries. He wanted to see how she was fairing since he made her a woman. Plus the woman he had been messing with in Sam's absence just wasn't as fun, she was far too willing. He wanted to teach her a few things, now that she was his. James had laid claim to her, and she was now his to do with as he pleased. He planned to marry her when she got older. He saw the potential she had. When she got a little older she would have a smoking hot body, and James smiled as he thought it would always be his. She was also brilliant, and he would guide her career. She would make him rich. He could have any number of women on the side, and he would be her one and only. He would break and train her as he wanted. If she ever thought about having another man or leaving him, it was easy, he'd kill her. When he got to the tutoring connection, she wasn't there. He asked where was she ? He was told her dad had been transferred. 

James was livid, how dare her leave him! Didn't she know she belonged to him now? He would find her! When he did she would truly pay! She better hope he found her before she did something stupid like fucking another guy! He'd ask around that damn precious Air Force base of hers'. It's not like her dad was some general or something! They couldn't have transferred them far, right? She was lucky he couldn't get his hands on her right now! He had planned on just teaching her to suck his cock. Now when he found her, he would fuck that ass! Make her scream, leave some bruises, it excites him to think about it. 

Damn! What was the odds of his Sam actually being a General’s daughter! No worries after he had properly punished her, he would use having a General in his back pocket to his advantage. Fortunately for Sam, James couldn't get any information about where her father had been transferred to. When James couldn't get any leads as to where Sam was, he swore he would find her if it was the last thing he ever did! When he did she would surely pay! 

As the years passed James obsession with Sam only got stronger. He knew he would have to have resources to find her. He had always planned on working for the family. This gave him a renewed ambition to work his way up through the family. He knew this would give him the skills and training to find that bitch and make her sorry for ever being born! His father was pretty high up in the organization, so he knew he could easily get a start there. He knew he would have to have patience with his plan. He would also always be on the lookout for Sam. 

 

James was welcomed into the family business with open arms. Anthony James’s father had always been good at spotting talent for the organization. He knew from an early age that James would succeed in the business. James' cruelty had been evident early on. He had always been aggressive. He enjoyed hurting people or animals it didn't matter to James. So he became a hired killer. This allowed him to travel and always be on the lookout for Sam. James also started seeking out tall blonde women with blue eyes, it was he favorite pastime, hurting them. He considered it practice for when he's found Sam. Some of the women he just raped. Others that reminded him of Sam or if he was having a really bad day he raped and beat them within an inch of their lives. As the years had gone by he never forgot Sam. 

 

He's been in Nevada for two weeks. He has a new contract. Some organization called the IOA, has contacted his handler, about a job. He doesn't have the specifics yet,not even sure if the target will be in Nevada. Apparently this organization has an even more anal vetting system than his. James doesn't really care. He's getting paid either way. He always enjoys Vegas. Everything is always open and you can find a tall blonde on each corner. If you get lucky, they'll be just as naïve as his Sam. The one thing he has always hated about his and Sam's time together is, he didn't get to hear her scream. He makes sure her substitutes always scream.


	3. Interspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Jack's thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta all me

Sam missed her guys badly. She had seen them day in and day out for practically eight years. She was closer to them than her own family. Sure the scientists at ’51 were nice and welcoming, but it just wasn't the same. She of all people knew that sometimes family couldn't always be together, but it still hurt. Teal'c was off leading the free Jaffa movement. She knew he was doing what he needed to do. She just missed his quiet calm, and soothing company. Sam had always leaned on Teal'c wisdom, he often helped her solve problems just by his reassuring presence. Daniel had kept in touch, by phone and email, but she missed his chatter and his brotherly love. He would soon he heading off to Atlantis, to new adventures without her. She couldn't help but feel a little left out and jealous. Sam had to remind herself that she had chosen this new path for herself. She did enjoy her new job. She missed being in the lab, playing with her doohickeys as they had been affectionately named by the then Colonel. Working on the new fleet of X302's and the other ships they were designing was amazing and Sam loved it. They were going close to finishing the upgrades to the 302’s. The brass would be coming soon to see their progress. Sam hoped that she would be able to fly them this time. The bass was so protective of her. She had been called a national treasure by a certain general, but she longed for the freedom of the cockpit. Saying she was a little of an adrenaline junkie, was an understatement. Thinking of the brass, she figured Jack would surely be “one of the brass" coming, no not Jack, the General she must never think of him as Jack. It was just too dangerous and it hurt too much. She longed to see the General. She missed his little lopsided grin he would sometimes give her, when he had visited her in the lab. No don't think like that Sam! He has Kerry now. You could never make him happy, not like she can, kept running through Sam's mind. She actually had missed the General for a while now, ever since she had started seeing Pete. He'd pulled away from her. She couldn't blame him, she had moved on first. It just made sense for him to do the same thing. It wasn't fair to expect him to be alone just because she chose to. She desperately loved him, always would. Sometimes loving someone meant setting them free. To love and be loved by someone. If there was anyone that Sam thought deserved to be happy and loved it was Jack. She would do anything for him, even letting him go. A tear rolled down Sam's face. She hoped Kerry knew how lucky she was. She also hoped Kerry knew that if she ever hurt Jack, Kerry would be answering to her. Kerry was the easy answer for Jack. He could love her freely, without fear of repercussions for either of them. Sometimes life just sucked. To have such a love and connection with someone, and never be able to explore it. To know a man like Jack, who besides her father, was the quintessential man and not be good enough to have him. She knew she was damaged goods, broken she just couldn't risk hurting a man like Jack. Enough of this, I can dwell on all this later. This “dog and pony show” isn't going to get ready on it's own. She had been through plenty of visits from the brass at the SGC. She wondered how this one would be different.

 

Jack O'Neill sat at his desk, with piles of paperwork. God, how he hated paperwork, but he did it. He hated his dress blues too, yet begrudgingly wore them. He despised politicians and bureaucrats. Though here he sat at a desk in Washington DC. Had accepted a job that made him miserable. The SGS needed him to have it’s back. The people who risked their lives day in and day out going through the gate. Deserved nothing less than a person who had been in combat boots too. George had passed him this mantle and he'd be damned if he disappoint him. A General in DC, what were they thinking! He was just an old soldier and that's what he would always be deep down in his soul. God, he missed his team. They were the only family he had. He missed Teal'c, but he understood that like him Teal'c had a duty to his people. Jack thought of Teal'c as a brother warrior much like himself. They had fought side by side for eight years. They had each other's back from the start. Teal'c had sacrificed everything for his people. He had been called a traitor by his brothers in arms. They had, had the same goal of ridding the galaxy of the Goa'uld. They had all but crushed them. Now he was needed by his people, as the leader he has always been. The Free Jaffa movement was Teal'c’s dream, he had to make it a reality. He missed Daniel too. He was also like a brother, more the annoying little brother, but he loved him like a brother just the same. Jack thought back to the young man Danny was at the beginning of this adventure. O'Neill was proud of him, he had always been man he could count on. He’d had Jack's back many a time. Though he had been the cause of many of their difficulties too. Daniel wasn't military and just didn't think that way. He'd been the cause of many a sleepless night too. Daniel had nine lives like a cat, but it still hurt when he had died. It had pained Jack to know that one of his team, that he was responsible for had died on his watch. Even if Daniel seemed to reappear. Now Daniel was due to embark on an adventure without him being there if things went FUBAR. Daniel would in the field, while it seemed to Jack he would be chained to a desk from now on. Jack as a young recruit, never dreamed his career would lead to him being a General. 

Just then Jack's computer pinged,” great what now?” The “powers of be” had decided the X302 demonstration would be Monday. This would be the first time he would get to see Carter, since his arrival to Washington. He longed to know how she was doing. He missed her in his very soul. He had heard from Daniel, that the wedding had been called off. Daniel hadn't said anything else about it. Jack knew that Danny kept in touch with Sam. Jack ached to be that close to Carter, technically he could now. They weren't in the direct chain of command anymore. He just couldn't stand the thought of seeing her with another man. He assumed, she had just postponed the wedding because of her dad. He could understand that she wouldn't want, what was to be a most joyous occasion so close, to such a sad one losing her dad had been. It would over shadow her wedding day. He couldn't stand the thought of seeing her happy with someone else. Having children with another man, just because he was too broken to try for what he really wanted. Even if Jacob had tried to tell him, that they belonged together. He just couldn't believe he was good enough.Though he didn't think the cop was either. He would never do anything to stand in the way of her happiness, even if it meant being thousands of miles away from her. He would try to take care of her the only way he could, through work. He had told her he would always be there for her, and he meant every word of it. It just hurt to see that she had given up on them, but he understood why. He knew he wasn't good enough, never had been. He had done truly terrible deeds, in the service of his country. A man just couldn't come back from that.

Then his phone started ringing, “well time to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to work.” Danny was on the phone. He asked if Jack was heading to Groom Lake on Monday? Jack told him “yeah”. There were some translations one of the scientists needed help with. Daniel would be heading out on Sunday and wanted to know if Jack come out a day early too? They could catch up before Daniel headed off to Atlantis. Maybe have dinner with Sam? Be just like old times. Jack didn't think it would be a problem getting away. He actually had some other business he needed to take care at Groom Lake. That should work out good. 

Jack was excited about seeing Sam, but also nervous. He missed her dearly. Watching her six had been one of his favorite pastimes, for crying out loud. She had been a member of his team, but he definitely didn't think of her as a sister. The simple truth was he loved her. He had since the day she strolled into the briefing room and challenged him to an arm wrestling match. At first it was just plain old fashioned lust. She was a young beautiful woman who happened to be his captain. As the years went by, he learned that he loved everything about her. She was brilliant, oh that was for certain. Too brilliant for a broken down old soldier like him, but he would always love her. Hell even Kerry had seen through his act! She knew she couldn't win his heart because it wasn't his to give. Carter had captured it a long time ago and he didn't want it back. He just hadn't realized it until Jacob and finally when Kerry told him he had issues. She said she could deal with a lot, but being with someone who was completely and whole heartedly in love with someone else was a hard limit for her. That made him wonder about Kerry a little, but he knew she was right.


	4. Back together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Daniel go to Area 51 to see Sam.

Jack met up with Daniel in a little dinner outside of Groom Lake. True to old habits Jack sat with his back to the wall, the whole dinner in sight. His eyes were on Daniel the moment he strolled in. Daniel walked with practiced confidence, having been in the middle of conflict off world for many years. Jack also noticed how Daniel attracted the attention of the waitresses. He heard them arguing over who would wait on Daniel and the General. Jack chuckled, some things never changed where Danny was concerned. He didn't mean to attract the attention of the opposite sex, sometimes even the same sex. It was his easy confidence that he had earned, it and his friendly nature that drew people to him. He definitely wasn't the same innocent kid Jack had met all those years ago. They talked over breakfast and coffee. About each other's plans as well as they could being in such a public place. They laughed and discussed where they would find Sam, when they made it to the base. The popular opinion was that Sam would be crawled up in one the X302's, going over it with a fine tooth comb. They knew how these dog and pony shows drove her crazy. She just couldn't help it, she was a perfectionist after all. 

Jack noticed when the man entered the dinner. He had a cold confidence about him. Jack knew a killer when he saw one. The man took the booth on the opposite side of the dinner. His back to the wall, just like Jack's. The man was able to survey the entire dinner from his post. There was something about the man made Jack uneasy, in a way he hadn't felt since his black ops days. Jack tried to ignore the feeling, surely whatever trouble this man planned to get into had nothing to do with him. If it did then the man would learn like all the other enemies Jack had encountered over the years. Looking at his watch, Jack figured it was time to get Daniel moving. Jack tried to ease the nerves he had at seeing Sam for the first time since he had moved to Washington. Would she have already married the cop by now? Cassie hadn't said anything about it. He tried to call Cassie at least every week or two. To see how things were going for her, now that she was away at college. Would Sam and that idiot of hers go and get hitched in Vegas? It made his stomach churn with the breakfast he had just eaten at the thought. It hurt not getting to see Sam on a daily basis, even if she belonged to someone else. After eight years of seeing her every day, Jack's heart longed to see Sam whether Jack was actually ready to see her himself. He tried to ignore his heart like he normally did. They got into a black SUV and took off to Groom Lake to find Sam. 

James watched the two men leave the dinner. He took particular notice of the Air Force General in his dress blues. Oh how he hoped he was his target. He had wanted to kill a general since Sam's dad had took her away from him. He started imagining the different ways he could kill the general. The man looked like he could give James a challenge, at least he hoped he could. It had been awhile since he had had a decent opponent. 

 

The guys found Sam under a X302. Jack would recognize those legs anywhere, even in navy blue BDUs. Daniel ran up and called to Sam. She climbed out from under the cruiser. She had a streak of black grease on her face that she didn't realize was there. Jack had to smile at it. It reminded him of all the times he had come to visit her in her lab back in their SG1 days. When she had been happy to see him and always willingly to confuse him with some techno babble. She looked genuinely surprised to see them, but pleased. Jack drank her in like a man dying of thirst. She was just as beautiful as he remembered but she looked a little thin. She had dark circles under her eyes. Apparently no one had her back here and made sure that she at least ate and slept every once in a while. They made plans to meet for lunch. Then they let Sam get back to her work. Daniel headed off to the office of the scientist that needed his help. Jack knew that he was just as eager to began as Sam, somethings never change he thought. As much as Jack just wanted to hang around Sam, he knew he couldn't and headed off the see the commanding officer of the base. He was sure that there would be a long list of items that just had to have his attention, whether he really cared about them or not. 

After several grueling hours of what in Jack's opinion was science gibberish, he went looking for Daniel and Sam. The guys had to practically drag Sam away from the hanger. Just like old times. Jack had found that without the guys to make sure Sam ate and slept, her workaholic ways were in full swing. He had told her commanding officer if he didn't order her home tonight to make sure she got some rest before the brass showed up, that he would be dealing with the wrath of General Jack O'Neill. General Evans had assured him that Sam be sent home to rest and a closer eye would be put on her work habits from here on out. 

The three of them had agreed to have a dinner at the local steakhouse in town. Then Daniel and Jack would have to head back to base. Daniel had to finish up the translation, he was on a tight schedule since he was due to ship out to Atlantis soon. Jack had mountains of paper work that seemed to follow him around no matter where he went. He felt like he was living a nightmare sometimes. Why had he let Hammond talk him into this again? One of the arguments had been that Jack would have an opportunity to have a relationship with Sam. “How did that work out for ya Jackie boy?” he thought. 

The guys had followed Sam to the steakhouse. They had fallen back into the easy teasing that only came from years of working together and having each other's back. Jack was pleased to see that Sam had ate a reasonable amount of her dinner. He had noticed she had lost a considerable amount of weight since she had come to Area 51. Jack had dressed down both her commanding officer and the base doctor. He had told both of them, even if Sam had a history of weight loss and workaholic behavior that was no reason not to look after an officer in their command better. Especially one as valuable as Sam. He also told them that they had to learn her little tricks she used, to stay at work longer than she should. After dinner they both walked Sam to her car and hugged her. They told her they had missed her and had really enjoyed the evening. When the General had hugged her, Sam's heart had jumped a little in her chest. Her heart had soared at his touch. It only made her want more. She would have a good talk to herself when she got home, about thinking like that about something she just wasn't good enough to have. Unbeknownst to them in the shadows James watched the two men interact with his Sam. When they hugged her, he said “You fucking whore. I'll teach you a lesson now that I have finally found you. It will be one of many you deserve, you slut. I bet you've sucked their cocks too! I can't wait to fuck you. You're mine! How dare you!” James followed Sam back to her apartment and planned his revenge. 

The next morning Sam was late to work. Alarm bells were going off in Jack's head. He could count on one hand the amount of times Sam had been late to work. Daniel always the optimist, insisted she was exhausted and had only overslept. It was still several hours before Sam's presentation. Jack told Daniel to continue his work, it had to be done soon. He would to go to her apartment, Jack knew he wouldn't be at ease until he had checked on Sam. Jack's gut told him he wasn't going to like what he found at Sam's and he needed to protect Daniel from it whatever it might be. Jack was terrified as to what he would find, he had a bad feeling. He had had one like this since Charlie. He said a little prayer as he got into the SUV to whoever may be listening. Please let her be okay, kept going through his mind.


	5. Brown Van

As Sam drove home she thought about the evening she had had. She hadn't realized how much she missed her guys until she had spent time with them today. Even the time she spent with the General had been easy and carefree. “Probably because he's in a relationship and doesn't have to worry about the stress of working with me on a daily basis. He looked truly happy. “ It pained Sam to think of Jack with another woman. To think that another woman knew all of his intimate secrets. What it felt like to hold, kiss, make love to him. To know what sounds he made as he came. Tears slipped down her cheeks. She would love him as she always had, from a distance. She had moved on first, so she couldn't fault him for looking for love and companionship. If he ever needed her, she would be there for him, however he needed her to be. As Sam pulled into the driveway of her apartment, she didn't notice the brown van. Her mind was too occupied with thoughts of Jack in the arms of another woman.   
Sam's apartment was more like single level dwelling, it lined the street like all the other cookie cutter homes. She had picked this complex because off the anonymity of the place. She wanted to be unknown like everyone else here. Her dark mood had fitted well with this place. There was no nosey neighbor watching as three men came and spent the night with her. She had been quite the topic of conversation in her old neighborhood, because her long absences and odd hours. 

The man in the brown van watched as Sam exited her car and went to unlock her door. He smiled as he thought “I have you right were I want you bitch. “ He pulled out his UPS uniform out and slipped it on. He pulled on the brown baseball cap over his eyes. His then got his gloves on. They had a special small needle in the index finger. The needle was coated with a drug that would knock out an elephant. He grabbed a box out of the back of the van. He then headed to Sam's door. 

 

Almost as soon as Sam entered her home, the doorbell rang. Not expecting anyone she looked out the peep hole. A delivery man stood at her door. Always receiving packages, she opened the door. James jumped into action and grabbed her upper arm. He then forced his way in her home. The drug was making her fuzzy but not sedating her quickly enough. James slammed her head into the doorjamb. Sam wilted slowly to the ground. Blood peeked down from her scalp. He leeched onto her arm and drug her through the apartment to her bedroom. He roughly threw Sam on her bed. He went back into the living room and picked up the box. He took it with him back to the bedroom. 

James ripped it open and pulled his playthings out. He lovingly caressed each item as he bought them out. He first started with the leather hand restraints with steel buckles, fastening them on her wrists. He clipped the clasp to Sam's headboard. Sam was now chained to her bed. James pulled a knife from the box. He danced the blade lightly over her body. The sharp blade sliced through her clothes like she wore paper. 

Ankle restraints were added next and hooked to the foot of the bed. These could be racketed for any position he wanted. James found a small table with trinkets the guys had given Sam over the years and a picture of SG1. The thoughts of those men fucking what was his incensed James! He cleared the table shoving everything to the floor. Stomping them to shards. The table was placed at the end of the bed, to place the rest of his playthings on. There was various types of sex toys, a ball gag and a scalpel. Now all he needed was for Sam to wake up.

As James' eyes roamed over Sam's body, he delighted in how her body had changed from a young teenager to a luscious woman. This wasn't the body of his fantasies but was oh so much better. He loved taking beautiful blonde, blue eyed women and using them for his own pleasure. Thinking about what he would do to Sam made him so excited. He was practically bursting out of his jeans. He had been waiting for this for such long time. He craved hearing her cries of pain. He would give her no mercy what so ever. This was all her fault, she had run from him. Didn't she know she belonged to him? He could do as he pleased to her and he would. He couldn't wait a minute longer. She was his toy to play with like a spoiled child. He would do just that, he would play with her until she broke and then throw away like a worthless rag doll.   
He leaned over her and slapped her face hard. Slowly Sam came around, her head was still fuzzy. “Wake up bitch! I'm not gonna wait all night, sleeping beauty!“ As Sam's vision began to clear. She realized she was in her bedroom. Chained to her bed. She started to pull on the restraints, then she recognized the voice yelling at her. As Sam discerned her situation, long buried fear arose from her. She transformed, Sam wasn't the kick ass Air Force Lieutenant Colonel any longer, she had become once again the scared fifteen year old girl. Here laid the orphan who had lost her mother to death, her father to grief and was abandoned by an angry brother. Her mind had reverted back in time to the girl, who lost her innocence to an unworthy monster, who cared nothing for her. As James began to beat and grope her, she tried to hide inside herself. “ No please no.” Ran through her mind and out bloody lips. 

This was going to be far better than James had anticipated. He taken a strong defiant woman and turned her into a groveling creature, that was terrified of him. Sam tried to sink back into the bed, to avoid his touch. He just chuckled. “Damn girl I thought you'd be more of a challenge, being the big bad Air Force Officer. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a rough chapter to write. I'm not sure how much detail on the actual attack I'll do. Any thoughts? Maybe in flashbacks?


	6. Discovery

Jack drove like a maniac trying to get to Sam's place. As soon as he was told she was late alarm bells started going off in his head. Sam was never late, as a matter of fact she was always at least an hour early, especially if something big was happening like her presentation. “Please God let her be okay” kept running through his mind. He had this terrible feeling that he couldn't shake. Jack was terrified as to what he would find when he got to her apartment. 

It was quiet at the complex when he got there, an almost eerie quiet. He banged on the door and called her name. No lights sprung on, so he whispered a word of apology to Sam, and broke down her door. Jack pulled his sidearm and started going room to room. He saw blood on the doorframe and a table and lamp over turned. Most of Sam's framed pictures were broken and laying on the floor. The pictures were torn and Sam's image was missing from all of them. 

As he went from room to room, he mentally cleared them, living room clear, kitchen clear. He wandered down the dark hall, the sound of glass crunched under his boots, study clear, bathroom clear. He came to a closed door. “Must be the master bedroom. “ he thought. His hands were sweating. He was so frightened of what was behind this door. Jack had never been this scared, not even during his first few combat missions. His heart felt like it was beating out of his chest. He was terrified, of what he would find behind this door. He slowly opened the door. It wasn't quite as dark in here. A gentle light shone from the street light casting the room in an almost angelic light. Jack found it a cruel joke as his eyes lay upon the subject of his quest. There on the bed was a figure, the first thought that came to his mind at seeing this was that it had to be a rag doll. A closer look made his heart sink, as he realized it was actually Sam. 

“Oh my God Sam, no!” He rushed to the bed and with a shaky hand felt for a pulse. It was very faint hardly there. He pulled out his phone and called the base. “Send a medical team to Colonel Carter's residence immediately.” Flipping on the light, even the black ops soldier in Jack, wasn't prepared for what the darkness had hidden, as the brightness bought to light the horror Sam had endured. 

Bile rose from Jack's stomach and threatened spew, as he saw Sam's nude seemly lifeless body. The pale yellow bed coverings were stained an assortment of red hues. She was in a half sitting position on the bed. Her arms were chained to the top of the headboard. Head hung forward with her blood streaked hair hiding her face, chin resting on her chest. The pale skin that had haunted so many of Jack's dreams, was speckled with dried blood. Angry bruises and jagged cuts and scratches mapped her body like a roadmap. The dark red blood coating her upper thighs and pubic hair was evidence of the brutal rape she had experienced. There seemed to be an indention in her side that seemed to be causing the ragged breaths she was having and she was so cold to the touch.

 

Jack hurriedly unshackled her from the bed. He lifted her from the bed and gently laid her on a clean spot of carpet. Needing the hard surface if he needed to perform CPR. He checked her pulse and breathing, both were still so faint. A gurgling sound could be heard she struggled to breathe. Years of field experience told him, Sam had a punctured lung. He ran to find a sharp hollow object he could use to free the air trapped between her ribs and lungs. This would help the lung that was collapsing fill with air. A blanket from off the couch was placed over her, he was sure she was in shock. 

He didn't even heard the ambulance as it a approached Sam's apartment. All he could hear were the labored breaths escaping her tortured body. When the med team arrived, Jack fought them when they tried to touch her. He screamed “She's been hurt enough you bastards!” It took four of them to hold him still enough to even try to sedate him. Finding Sam like that had caused Jack go in shock, the medical team loaded them up and raced back to the base.


	7. Debriefing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has details of the attack. Nothing too graphic.

Jack felt like he was floating. Sounds were the first things he noticed, familiar noises, the beeping of his heart. Sounds of footsteps softly moving, the murmur of people quietly talking. Then the smells assaulted his senses, the clean disinfectant smell of the infirmary. He didn't remember the mission they had been on, but SG1 ended up in Janet's infirmary so often, it was like they were trying to gain the equivalent of frequent flyer miles. As his eyes slowly opened he saw Daniel sitting beside his bed. He had a book opened, but even though he was looking at it, it seemed like he was in deep thought about something. Must have been a Furbar type mission, that was the type SG1 usually attracted. “Daniel?” As blue eyes met brown, everything rushed back to Jack. He wildly turned his head searching for Sam, when he didn't see her, he started to get out of bed. Daniel jumped up, “Wait, she's still in surgery. “Jack looked up at Daniel with tears in his eyes, “God, it’s so bad Daniel.” Of all the years Daniel had knew Jack, he had never seen him cry. Jack just kept repeating “So bad". One of the Groom Lake doctors came by to check on Jack. He was okayed to get dressed and attend the briefing with the doctors about Sam's condition and discuss the attack.

Daniel had been in the office with Dr. Henderson when Jack's frantic call for a medical team had come through. He wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't heard it with his own ears. He had never heard Jack so close to losing it before. He wondered what Jack had found at Sam's house. She had to be bad for Jack to sound that way. Daniel wasn't allowed to go with the med team to the scene, so he waited on pins and needles for them to get back. It seemed like it took hours for the ambulances to get back. They actually got Sam back and into surgery within twenty minutes. They rushed her by so quickly, Daniel didn't really get any details on her condition. Then he was shocked when they rolled Jack by strapped to a gurney. There was blood all over his dress blues. 

 

The debriefing consisted of Jack, Daniel, General Martin, Dr. Swift who is the bases’ CMO, and Dr. Hoke the surgeon that operated on Sam. Jack had sat around a many a briefing table, to discuss anything from alien invasions to injuries suffered by his people. He never thought he would be having this conversation about Sam, being assaulted in her own home. Was it a random act or something more sinister? Something about the attack seemed personal somehow, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. Why he thought that he didn't know. 

Dr. Hoke started the discussion. “Colonel Carter presented with massive internal bleeding, resulting from repeated sexual assaults performed on her. An emergency hysterectomy was performed on Colonel Carter. We were able to save her ovaries, so she won't have to go on hormone therapy. She would have bled to death if we didn't perform the surgery. She has several broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a broken nose, severely bruised eye. She has numerous scratches and bites. There is bruising on her head, so a possible concussion. She has damage to her rectum, resulting from objects being forced there. Her prognostic is good. She's a very healthy and fit woman, physically she will heal fine. It's her mental state we are concerned with. She lives alone, this isn't something she should deal with by herself. She will need the support of friends and family. She will also be required to see a counselor. This will be a very traumatic experience for her. We won't have an accurate estimate of her recovery for a while. It all unfortunately will depend on Colonel Carter.” 

General Martin discussed the investigation into Colonel Carter's attack. A team of the Air Force's best investigators were on the scene collecting evidence. The team had an excellent rate of getting the perpetrator of whatever acts they investigated. The General said they had a good working relationship with other government agencies and worked closely with the FBI from time to time. “Colonel Carter is a national treasure and we won't rest until she has seen justice for the acts committed against her.” 

 

After the briefing Jack and Daniel were told Sam had been moved from recovery to ICU. They were allowed to go in one at a time to see her. Daniel told Jack to go in first. He wasn't sure if he let Jack go first because Jack needed to or because he was scared of what he would see. Sure they had all spent their time in the infirmary, but this was different. Sam was in there because of a vicious attack, it had nothing to do with her job or serving her country. Someone had done this to her. Had hurt her just because they could. What kind of person would treat someone as beautiful, kind and loving as Sam this way? Jack had told him, he thought the attack was personal. Who could Sam possibly know, who would want to do this to her? Daniel's body was shaking with nervous energy about seeing Sam. How were they going to tell her this attack had taken away her chance to be a mother? He knew Sam was a strong person, but how do you come back from something like this? 

 

Jack was warned about how Sam would look. He didn't care he had to see her. He had to touch her. He needed to reassure himself she was still alive. What he had seen at her house had shattered him, more than he had let on. It was his worst nightmare. Once they found the bastard who had done this, he would kill him with his bare hands. He would show him the same amount of mercy he had shown Sam. Right before Jack went in to see Sam, he asked Daniel if anyone had called Pete? Where was he? Surely someone had told him about the attack? Daniel gave Jack an odd look when he asked about Pete. “Sam broke off the engagement right after her dad died. Said she had been fooling herself about the whole normal life thing.” Jack's head was spinning. So when they said she was alone they were right. Well he wouldn't let her be alone in this recovery. She would need someone, and he'd be damned if he let her suffer through this alone. 

Jack was told he could see her now. The bed was curtained off, he took a deep breath and walked through the curtain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is enjoying this. Thank you for all the great reviews. Sorry it's slow going.


	8. Here for the show

James was just heading back to play some more, when the General from the diner, started knocking on Sam's door. He decided to hide in the shadows. Being here while Sam was discovered was worth the annoyance of being interrupted while he had been with her earlier. His fun had been rudely halted by a phone call from his handler. The vetting was completed and his target had been selected. He had been in such a rush to get back to finish Sam up, he hadn't even looked at his target. 

Now he wasn't going to get to finish her up tonight. That just meant they would fix her back up, so she would be ready for him to play with once again. This couldn't turn out any better and he would get to see the show. He hardly ever got to see the fruits of his labors. It thrilled him to get to see people's reaction to how he had played and left Sam. At least he had enjoyed a good five hours with her, before he got his call. 

 

He had planned on having another couple of goes at her and then killing her. No witnesses had always been the best way in his opinion. He just wasn't done with her when he had got that damn call! He thrilled at the thought of the pretty boy general discovering Sam, how he had left her. The only thing better would have been if it could have been her father. One general or the other really didn't matter. He just wished he could see the look on his face when he found her, chained to the bed, and blood painting the room.

 

Soon the screams of the ambulances could be heard through early morning air. Bringing to light the horrors that had been endured in the black of night. The neighbors crowded around the complex to discover what tragedy that had befallen one of their own, while they slept blissfully in their beds. After the crowds had left and the victims loaded up and taken to safety. James got bored when all who were still there were just the Air Force officers , who were looking for clues he was sure he hadn't left. This wasn't his first rodeo with a blue eyed, blonde beauty. All the others had been planned meticulously, it was like they were all dress rehearsals for this night with Sam. He hadn't had the willpower to wait and plan it out. He had longed to control her for so long, that he had to have her that night. Seeing her with the General and that other man, had infuriated him. The smile she given them, had sent waves of jealousy through him. He had fantasized many a night about the things he would do to her, when he finally found her. He had fallen asleep on those nights with his hand around his cock and her name on his lips. Visions of his cruelty to her in his dreams. At long last he had made his dreams a reality. Unfortunately he hadn't been able to complete it, but he would, of that he was certain. 

 

He went back to his van to open his packet with the information on his target. He was delighted to pull out a picture of one General Jonathan “Jack “ O'Neill. The General that had been seen at Sam's place. The one who had found her broken and abused body. This general was the head of Homeworld Security. Must be some division of Homeland Security. From what he had seen this guy didn't really have the security, one would think he would have. He would have to come up with a plan to get to him. He would have to read through all of this. Some of these jobs had deadlines and some didn't. He hoped it didn't, because he thought it would be hard to get on that base. He would almost do this one for free. He got hard just thinking about taunting the General about the fun he had with Sam. About the sounds she'd made as he fucked her. How she begged him to stop. How his cock looked with her blood on it. How he had forced his bloody cock down her throat. How he had told her, what a whore she had always been. That it hadn't changed since the first time he had had her.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

 

There was a faint tremble of Jack's hand as he pulled the curtain aside to reveal Sam. He ached with sorrow and guilt that he hadn't protected her from this senseless act. She was such a beautiful person inside and out. He had never understood, how a man could do such demeaning act to another person. He also knew Sam was a soldier and understood the risks of going through the gate, but this had happened in her own home! The one place everyone should feel safe and be safe. No woman deserved what Sam had been through. 

He sat beside her bed and looked at her. She was still under from the surgery. Bruises and cuts marred the face that he had fallen in love with all those years ago. He had lied to himself then, said it was just lust for a young attractive woman under his command. That it was a power fantasy, that intrigued him. The cold hard truth had presented itself that day the force field had separated them. He knew that day that he loved this woman with everything in him and he would until the day he died. Not matter there she was, a different state, country or galaxy. He would be there for her no matter what, but he had failed her. Jack swore he would be there for her through this nightmare. He would retire, whatever she needed, whenever she needed it, be it a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. 

 

Tears fell from his eyes as he thought of all that had been taken from her. He would be the one to break it to her, that she could never carry a child. She would never experience the joys and pains of childbirth. That she would never get to feel the butterfly movements of her child in her womb. This opportunity had been stolen by the thief that had taken so much from her. His fingers danced lightly over the lips he had kissed a thousand times in his dreams. His heart had hid the love he had for this woman for so long, he worried she wouldn't believe him. He knew any heart felt declarations of love would have to wait until she was ready. He put her hand in his and waited for her to wake up.


	9. OSI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I've had some trouble getting the words on paper. Hoping once we get more into the ones with Sam, the words will flow.

A new briefing was scheduled for 1700 hours. Sam had yet to awaken. The doctors seemed to think this was normal, due to the surgery and the amount of damage she had obtained. For probably the hundredth time Jack, wished Janet was still alive. He had a hard time trusting these doctors with Sam's care. Not that he didn't think these doctors were fully capable, but this was Carter. Janet had been one of their own. She had been family and Carter could use all the love and support she could get. 

 

The staff had run Jack out of the infirmary. He and Daniel had been ordered to get something to eat and rest before this new briefing. He found Daniel roaming the halls outside of the infirmary. They solemnly drug their selves to the base cafeteria. They gathered each a piece of pie and something that vaguely resembled coffee. Neither were interested in eating, their worry thick in the air for Sam. Both steadfastly refused to go and rest instead opting to wait outside the infirmary until the briefing. Hoping for some news on Sam. The guilt evident on both men's faces. 

 

At last it was time for the briefing. The men wandered to the room it was to be held in. Not really sure they wanted to know what they would learn in this meeting. Jack and Daniel were the first to enter the room. It had been set up with a large computer monitor and a stack of files were sitting at the head of the table. They each took a seat where they would have a good view of the monitor. It seemed there would be quite a lot of information delivered at this meeting. Nervous energy radiated off Jack like heat off a road on a hot summer day.

 

A man entered the room. He was dressed in civilian clothes and had a visitor badge on. He tipped his head to Jack and Daniel and went straight to the computer set up near the monitor. He began to boot up the computer. He looked to be about 6’2" with dark brown hair and a slightly tan complexion. Jack thought he could be in his thirties. The man looked quite fit. He was interested to see what this man had to say. 

 

Special agent Nathan Hale was an agent for the OSI. The OSI was the Office of Special Investigations, their purpose was to investigate crimes against Air Force personnel, like the attack against Colonel Carter. He had been with the agency for the last seven years. He had seen some truly terrible acts committed against victims of the crimes he had investigated, Colonel Carter's was one he wouldn't be able to forget for quite some time. His area was Nevada, though he had never been to the famed Area 51 before. He had always wondered what went on behind the walls here. He had been permitted, very limited access to the base. He had an escort at all times. He could only go to the infirmary, the mess, conference room and of course the bathroom.  
The General soon entered the room. General Don Martin introduced Jack and Daniel to Special Agent Hale. Hale passed out the folders he had brought. “We believe the perpetrator has a history of attacking young women who are blond and blue eyed. In the folder there are eight of other cases of women who were attacked similar ways. All of these women were of a similar build and looked very much alike. They were found in practically the same ways. The only exception with Colonel Carter was she found alive. We believe we are dealing with a serial rapist and killer.”

Hale put nine pictures of blond and blue eyed women on the screen. Jack could only look at them for a short time. Seeing Carter's picture among these other women made him sick to his stomach. The agent went on to tell the men that, he believed something had interrupted the attack with Carter and that was the only reason she was still breathing. He also thought that the attack on the officer felt more personal to him. Hale had consulted with a FBI agent who was working on the non military attacks. If the women weren't in the military, it was connected to their life in some way. 

Agent Hale went on to explain the differences in serial killers. He said there were three types categories and they were organized, disorganized and mixed. He believed this person fell into the organized column. Even though each victim clearly had evidence of sexual assault, no DNA material had ever been found. There were never signs of forced entry. The killer also wore gloves so no fingerprints had been found. All the victims were staged even Colonel Carter. Hale said he believed that the same person committed all of these crimes, but his gut told him that the Colonel knew her attacker. He hoped she would soon be conscious, so he could talk to her. 

 

After the meeting closed Jack and Daniel shook the agent's hand. He told them he understood how important Colonel Carter was to them and he would do everything in his power to stop this killer. He wanted justice for all of his victims. He wanted this killer off the streets. He also warned them that there wasn't a whole lot to go on. He hoped Colonel Carter could identify her attacker. Jack and Daniel hurried back to the infirmary, not wanting Sam to wake up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We recently went to Mysticon. We got to meet Robert Picardo Stargate's Richard Woolsey. He was a delight. Mysticon is a wonderful little con. If you ever get the chance to go do it.


	10. Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another! Enjoy!

By the time the briefing was over, Sam had been moved to a private room. Jack felt worse after the meeting. This “Special agent “ had nothing but more gruesome details of other attacks this bastard had committed. Who could this guy be? What was his connection to Sam? How could someone who knew this beautiful woman want to do such horrible acts to her? She still wasn't awake. He longed to see her blue eyes, to hold her, tell her everything was going to be okay. The doctors didn't seem to think it was odd her being unconscious so long, but Jack had a feeling they were wrong. He had decided that he would be the one to care for her, when they released her. If the Air Force had a problem with it, he'd retire. Then Jack was driven from his thoughts by alarms sounding, her heart was racing. Carter's body was seizing. Jack and Daniel jumped up to help her, only to be banished from the room yet again as medical personnel scrambled to her bedside. 

It sounded like she was in a tunnel. Sounds were muffled, her eyes heavy. It was as if her body had been weighed down, as if someone had drugged her. It was suffocating. As much as she needed air, she couldn't get any to her lungs. Panic gripped her. Flashes of the night's events sprang up randomly. Fear seared through her. He had found her, and he was coming back. As her heart raced, alarms sounded. Oh God, he had came back! Ice water ran through her veins, fear ripped through her. Somewhere in the distance, Sam could hear a voice. “ Dammit, if we don't get her calmed down, she'll have a heart attack!”

Jack paced back and forth in front of Carter's room. All he could think of, was he couldn't lose her. He loved her with everything ounce of his being. If he wasn't such a jackass! He'd have told her a long time ago. He wouldn't have let that scrub anywhere near Carter. He would have given her the ring in his top drawer. The one that had screamed Carter to him. The one he had to buy. The one he wore behind his dog tags for so long. He had only taken off, after she had showed him that monstrosity of a ring, Pete had given her. He hadn't looked at it for a while, but just knowing it was there calmed him. He swore if she got through this, he would give it to her, when she was ready.

Sam hear the distinct sound of hills on a concrete floor. As she opened her eyes, Janet’s face appeared in front of her. “Shush you're safe.” She was in Janet's infirmary safe at the SGC. Janet held her hand and calmed her down. She told her, you're okay, everything's fine. Sam took a deep breath, happy to be safe. “What happened to me?” 

“Oh honey, you had a run in that James. He did anything he wanted to you. You're safe now, but you're going have to wake up soon. The boys are worried about you.” Confusion clouded Sam face. “But Janet I am awake.” Janet leaned over Sam running her fingers through Sam's golden locks, “Oh sweetheart, just saying that means your not. I'm in your dream. You needed me. So I came.” She smiled at her. 

 

The sounds in the room finally settled down. After a few minutes the nurses filed from the room. Dr. Swift beckoned them into the room. Sam lay calmly on the bed now. “What the hell just happened there Doc?” Jack asked. “ We believe she had some type of flashback.” Jack's face paled at the mention of flashbacks. Jack moved to the bed not seeing anyone but Carter. Everyone else in the room faded away. He took her hand and stroked a stray curl behind her ear with the other hand. Then he gently kissed her forehead. As he pulled back, cloudy blue eyes looked into his soul.


	11. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken awhile. This is a long chapter, so hopefully that makes up for the time between updates. Enjoy!

Sam awoke to confusion. She wasn't sure were she was. Her eyes just didn't seem to want to focus, and God, did she hurt! She started to struggle and fight. Strong hands held her down. Oh God, he was back! Sam tried to fight the hands holding her down. Her ears roared blocking any other sound. Then one of the hands caressed her cheek. It was the gentlest touch she had ever felt. It felt so full of love and slowly Jack's voice came through the roaring. “ Shh it's okay. You're safe. I'm here. I've got you.I'll never let you go. I promise.”

Sam's eyes cleared. Jack's face was mere inches from her own. There was such love and honesty in those chocolates orbs, that it shocked Sam to her core. She had never seen Jack so unguarded. Everyone who knew O'Neill knew he was a wall builder and he often hid behind those walls. He reigned in his emotions, he kept them tightly cinched up, for fear they would overwhelm him. Sam's nerves were so frayed, she just knew this had to be in some kind of dream. Maybe this was a cruel trick James had some how played on her. Similar to how a cat would play with a mouse. She had fooled herself into thinking she was finally free of him. She had felt hunted for years. Sure she had always outwardly displayed confidence, but in actuality she was still that scared fifteen year old. The one whose life had been savagely ripped apart like a child's drawing. 

A chill ran through Sam causing her to physically tremble. Jack called for Daniel to get the doctor, because she seemed to be seeing right through him. Of all the times he had been by her bedside he had never seen her act like this. Though, this was the first time that he knew of that Sam had been a victim of such abuse. Of all the trials she had endured during their off world missions, nothing compared to this. 

The doctor said that she was still in shock. He gave her some medication to help calm her and something for the pain. Jack held her hand as she drifted into a peaceful sleep. He gave Daniel a small smile across from him. Daniel read one of his books, while Jack traced patterns over the top of Sam's hand sometimes traveling up her arm. He just couldn't seem to stop touching Sam, whether it was appropriate or not. He knew a general was not supposed to act like this, but he just couldn't stop himself. He had held his feelings for Sam for such a long time, it was like a dam had broken free. Seeing Sam the way he had found her, had broken his heart. He just didn't understand how anyone could treat someone like that. Jack had seen the horrors of war and knew what is was like to be tortured. He just knew he could not go back to the he way things had been between them. He wanted more and he felt they had wasted enough time already. 

When Sam woke, she clearly recognized the General sitting at her bedside. He had fallen asleep and his head was leaning back against the plastic chair. It looked quite uncomfortable, she worried he would have a bad crick in his neck when he woke up. She knew she should wake him, but he looked so cute. There was a little drool gathered in the corner of his mouth and he was lightly snoring. He was dressed in BDUs and they looked a little wrinkled. She was enjoying her uninterrupted viewing of him. She had missed him so much since he had moved to DC. She loved him and always would even if he now had a life with the beautiful Kerry. She wished him the very best. She always had, but Sam had realized life without love was a truly lonely existence. Of course no one would ever want her after the things James had done to her. She tried to hide the sob that escaped her mouth. Her hand tried to quickly cover her mouth, but Jack had excellent hearing. 

His head popped up rather fast. He surrounded her in the protection of his loving arms. It was too much for Sam. The sobbing started in earnest. She just couldn't stop no matter how hard she tried. Jack had placed her tear stained face under his chin. She cried into his neck while he soothed her. He waved Daniel and the medical staff away for the moment. This was what she needed, and he would hold her in his arms forever if she would let him. It felt so good to hold her. He had been so scared when he had found her naked, broken and covered in her own blood. If they could just stay like that, he would die a happy man. He loved her and all he wanted to do was comfort her. Finally Sam cried herself out. She looked up into Jack's face. God she loved that man. 

 

Dr. Swift would wait no longer. He needed to check Sam out. He had saw her being held by General O'Neill. He had heard the rumors like everyone else. He had always thought there was no basis to it, but seeing them together, he wondered. The sleep seemed to have done Sam some good. Her blood pressure was elevated but that was certainly understandable. He had allowed one of the nurses to give Sam a cup of clipped ice. She greedily accepted the piece of ice, it soothed her throat. He flushed her IV and gave her some antibiotics. He showed Sam the button to use for pain relief. He and the General had discussed earlier, that Jack would be the one to tell her about the damage and the resulting surgery. He didn't envy the General having to tell the young woman that she could never have children. He left his patient and closed the door.

Sam gave Jack an odd look when the doctor closed the door. He took her hand and looked into the blue eyes he had loved for longer than he wanted to admit to even himself. “ Sam I found you at your house after you had been attacked.” Tears rolled down Sam's face at the thought of Jack having to find her that way. She was a proud woman, and she considered an attack like that as a feminine weakness. She felt like a failure. She couldn't even protect herself in her own home. She had been in what should have been her sanctuary. She felt like she should be kicked out of the Air Force. They would finally know her secret, her shame. That she was really just a weak woman and didn't deserve the rank she had been given. At this moment she felt as if she deserved what had been done to her.

Jack took a deep breath and told her what he had been dreading since this nightmare had begun. “ Sam you can never have children. You had too much damage and they had to give you a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding. I'm so sorry. “ Watery blue eyes looked at Jack. Sam choked back a sob and asked him to leave her alone. She said she was tired and she wanted to go to sleep. Alarm bells were going off in Jack's head, but he rose from his seat and kissed her forehead. He would give her some time. Carter had always been a private person. He knew she would try to compartmentalize this, but he was worried this was too much for her to handle. He needed to check in with DC. The president needed to be briefed on Sam's condition. Jack also needed to talk to him about his plans to take care of Sam and arrangements would need to be made. Dr. Swift had told Jack that he would only keep Sam for a day or two more if she didn't have complications from the surgery or the attack. Jack wanted to get Sam to his townhouse in DC soon as possible. He knew she always healed and responded better at home. She hated the infirmary as much as he did. Plus he felt the need to protect her.

Sam curled up in as tight a ball as her sore stomach would allow. Tears ran down her face. Not only had James taken away her virginity when she was still a child, but now he had taken everything away from her. Not only could she no longer have a chance whatsoever to bear a child, she no longer considered herself a woman. She no longer had what made a woman a woman in her opinion. If it had been her choice that may have been different, but even that had been taken from her. Maybe it was time to stop fighting. It was not like she had anything to show for it. She squeezed herself into a tighter ball. She sighed as the pain increased. Sam relished in it. Pain enveloped her, as she was claimed by the darkness.


	12. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little dark. Sam is not dealing well with the attack. Jack is struggling.

Sam felt pressure on her wrists. Pulling on them only causing it to increase. Her stomach sank as she realized she was tied down. Spread eagle on some flat surface. The coolness of the room causing goosebumps to form on her naked flesh. Fear overwhelming her senses, panic flooding her mind. Sam began to hyperventilate. Chills running rampant over her body causing the bindings to cut deeper into her flesh. Tears streaked down her face. Darkness of the room blinding her. She felt movement on the mattress. Sam froze, terror filling her . “No, please God, no, not again!” Her pleas growing louder with each movement. Soon she felt the warmth of a body near her. Sam vainly tried forcing her body to still, to swallow her cries, causing her to make the saddest whimper, Jack had ever heard. 

 

It broke his heart to see and hear her like that. It had been a rough week for both of them since arriving in D.C. He hadn't had sugar coated fairly tails about Sam staying with him or her recovery. But the reality of seeing the strong fearless woman he loved, so broken, injured him more he had feared it would. Hate filled him in moments like these. Wanting to kill that bastard with his bare hands more everyday. Jack was scared for her. She barely ate enough to keep a bird alive. She stayed curled up in a protective ball most of the time. She kept her room dimly lit refusing to leave it. She preferred to be alone, rocking back and forth. She would not bathe or change her clothes. Jack had also noticed her constantly rubbing the inside of her left wrist. She had rubbed that wrist so much that there was a dark and ugly bruise. He feared it would soon become a running sore. Nothing he did could make her stop the nervous habit. He had even resorted to ordering her to stop, with no result. 

 

The nights were the worse. She couldn't hide from her demons then. Sam would try her hardest not to fall asleep, but her body was still exhausted and craved sleep. Her lack of appetite, attributing to her falling victim to sleep and it's terrors. Each time she closed her eyes, that bastard was there haunting her. Every night he terrorized Sam. She would find herself back in that loathsome place. At the mercy of all his vile deeds. Jack dreaded the night too. He would sit by her side all night listening to her terrors. He vainly tried to wake her each night and save her from reliving the horror. Sam was so lost in the dreadful memories, that Jack couldn't break through. So as punishment for not saving her, he relived his failures along with Sam. Tears slipped down his face in anguish. Jack had only felt this helpless one other time in his life.

 

The only reason Sam had reluctantly agreed to go with Jack, was getting out of Area 51. She hated the infirmary and the looks of pity she received there. Everyone knew what had happened to her. It was such a small base everyone knew everyone's business. The rumors as to why it had happened where almost as terrible as the actual act. Jack dutifully took Sam to the doctor, that Dr. Swift had arranged for her to see. To say Sam was unreceptive to the new doctor or talking to a therapist would be an understatement. She had acted quite standoffish. Unwilling to let the doctor or nurses to touch her. Jack had never seen this Carter before. She stubbornly refused to leave the house after that first appointment. Most of her actions, he understood, having lived through the trauma of being a prisoner of war. He was also missing some very important pieces of information. 

 

Jack didn't know that Sam knew exactly who had raped her. He also didn't know that unfortunately Sam had lived through this violent act before. She had buried that assault so deeply, that now she didn't any coping mechanisms left. Everything was open and raw. It all refused to be buried no matter how badly she wanted to. She had cried till she numb. She felt she would never would recover. She felt Colonel Samantha Carter was a sham. That she had been living a lie since she was fifteen. That she was never this strong Air Force woman she portrayed. She was so tired and seemed like she didn't see a way out of this. She wanted all of this to end. The only time she felt relief was when she was making herself hurt. For some odd reason the pain made her feel better. Sure the pain hurt but it was freeing in some strange way. Sam knew Jack didn't like the bruise on her wrist. It had worked for a few days, but now it didn't give her the relief she craved. She had searched her bathroom for a razor or some other sharp object, but she hadn't found what she longed for yet. Jack had all the medications the doctor had put her on. He thought she was taking them. He even checked her mouth after, but it's hard to out smart a genius. So she had a hidden stash of meds. She was keeping them, but she really didn't know why. She had no plan whatsoever. She felt she was trapped in a box with no hope of escape. Her life seemed like a sad joke now. She just wished that O'Neil would leave her alone. She was thankful to him for getting out of Area 51. She wanted to lock all of this away and pretend it had never happened. “That really worked for you last time didn't it? Everyone knows.” This wasn't like last time. Only her and James had known the ugly truth before. Now all the people she cared for and loved knew, so did all of her colleagues. She could never go back there.


	13. Bleeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is not dealing with the attack as well as she has the General thinking she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a darker chapter. Self hurt is in this chapter.

She had given up hope, when she finally found what she was looking for. She had searched Jack's apartment, every square inch of it, coming up empty. How Jack had gotten rid of every sharp item without her seeing, she'd never know. Sam desperately wanted pain to relieve the pain. A box with her clothing had been sent. In the bottom of the box was an old worn denim jacket she had forgotten even owning. It was an oversized jacket of her father's. He had given it to her years ago. She had loved wearing it. It had bought comfort when she missed her mom or thought about James all those years ago. When she reached into the front pocket, her fingers came across a long lost object. It was a small pocketknife her father had given her for her sixth birthday. She remembered how upset her mother had been. Saying she was too young for one. She looked it over and saw where her father had engraved “Sammy" on it. Tears came to her eyes. Her father had never envisioned her using the little knife this way. She silently thanked her dad again for the knife, and the relief it would give. 

 

Jack was relieved to see Sam had finally stopped rubbing her wrist. She seemed to be doing better on some aspects. He had moved a foldable bed into her room so he could get some much needed sleep. The nightmares didn't seem to be as bad as they had been when they had first arrived or Sam was getting better at masking the terror they brought. She had started bathing regularly. She still stayed in the room Jack had given her, most of the time. She had requested a sketch pad and pencils as well as charcoals. He had never known her to draw, but it didn't surprise him. He had never seen anything she was bad at. She claimed to be bad at cooking, but he had realized years ago that she used that as an excuse. Secretly he thought she had done that in order not to be thrown in to the traditional role for a woman. Jack wanted to see her drawings but she had told him no. He wouldn't go behind her back and look at them. He felt she had been violated enough already. She still wasn't very forthcoming with her doctors. Jack was told this was normal as they haven't as of yet gained her trust. Again Jack wished that Janet was still alive. He felt he was ill equipped to help her through this. He knew he would do whatever it took. He just felt like he was lost and didn't know what Sam needed.

 

Sam had started with small cuts that weren't noticeable. She would cut herself in the shower. Watching the blood trails travel down her body and circle the drain fascinated her. She would then bandage the cut with toilet paper as she dried off. She made certain not to get any blood on the towels, alerting Jack to her activities. She was sure he would not be happy with her new coping mechanism. Sam would press and rub the new cut while she was alone. She still had first aid supplies given to her while in the infirmary, using these also hid the blood from Jack. The problem she was finding with this method was that she was forced to cut larger and deeper each time to ease her pain. Logically she knew this relief really was just a hole she was digging herself deeper into. That this was no way to get better, but she couldn't stop herself. Sam believed she would never truly get over this or get better. She knew telling Jack was one way to end the cutting but she couldn't stand the thought of his look of disappointment he would give her. She was also scared she was causing conflict in Jack's relationship with Kerry. She hadn't seen her or heard him talk to her. She didn't want to be the reason his relationship ended. She didn't want him to sacrifice his happiness for loyalty he felt he owed her. She wanted to leave. Sam felt she was just a burden to her General. She also believed that if he had had any interest in her it was long gone now. She felt she was dirty and no use to anyone ever again. She wished she hadn't been found until it was too late and she had bleed to death. The thought of no longer hurting calmed her. She felt her death was the answer she had been looking for. The way her troubled mind saw it this was best for everyone. She was in so much pain, she thought she wasn't worthy of anyone's love. Now if she could put that genius mind of hers to finding a way for Jack to let her go. The phone in Jack's office rang. He normally left the door open. Sam wouldn't leave her room, so it never really been an issue. This phone call was from the president and he wanted an update about Sam from Jack. O'Neil closed the door so Sam couldn't listen in. This was the chance Sam was looking for. She slipped the denim jacket and her shoes on and silently left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are enjoying it. I know I'm hurting Sam but I promise it will get better.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic. Tell me what you think. Should I continue it?


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